


We're okay. We're always okay.

by contort



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Drinking, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Smoking, but theres sex so hey there's always light at the end of the tunnel and all that, like so much fucking angst, once again me trying to look at the characters from another perspective aka more relatable, there's no happy ending, u know me, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 08:02:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5084239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contort/pseuds/contort
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things had been okay once, things really had been okay once.</p><p>They both knew things were about to end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're okay. We're always okay.

**Author's Note:**

> ALRIGHTY HI. Wow I have not posted anything in months so let me give you a brief rundown at to why.  
> Well to begin with I lost inspiration for the nedden fic and I was like well shit fuck okay well what can I do about that, I do have a rough very very rough copy of the third chapter to post at some point once those inspirational juices get pumped into me so trust me I have been trying to work on it. It's just with study/school/mental health bullshittery getting in the way it's been a bit hard. But in all honesty a lot of it does come down to the latter point and I am so, so sorry about that.
> 
> Anyway!  
> I was kind of like eh and I'm still really like 'god kill me this is bad' over this but I think you guys know what to expect from me. I make these guys more 3Dimensional because I like my characters to have depth, so I take those points that are brushed against in canon and flesh them out until it seems a bit more realistic you know but yeah please please let me know what you think of this.  
> this is meant to be like a backstory I guess to the nedden fic and to why Den and Nor are kinda of like on 'we still talk but eh w/e' terms in it, but remember!!! everything i write does link up and can make sense so I have like 3 after fics I add to from time to time to just find some kind of nice big series of ...well.... shit and a bit of pain on the side, nice  
> So I love you all so very much, this is the first time I have ever written the two of them together so yeah, super sorry if this is so off. Just keep in mind this is after like years and years and years of knowing each other and being alive, people mature, they grow up, they change and only grow more complex. That's what I'm doing with this mess, making them all complex assholes that run my love.  
> yikes, I'm raving on so happy reading darlings!

Mathias’ forehead remained pressed to the chest of the Norwegian who was straddling his thighs. His fingers sketched patterns alongside the ridges of Lukas’ spine and fanned out to lightly breathe down the underside of his arms. Moments like those were rare by that point, where they could sit outside on the smaller male’s deck chairs and attempt to appreciate each other’s company, without any venom in either’s voice or stare. The blanket of nightfall hung heavy over the two of them and they could barely feel the frozen bite of winter’s frost nor did the snow falling on their bare arms bother them in the slightest. Mathias watched his gentle sighs whisper over Lukas’ stomach as he simply held him, his fingers had wandered to the other man’s thighs at some moment of time, to the strong lines of lean muscle under the thin cotton of Lukas’ pyjama pants. He could feel fingers massaging into his scalp and the Norwegian’s breath shifting his hair as he breathed against the strands, his nose was buried deep into the currently limp locks of pale blonde.

Overhead the moon watched the pair run their fingers over every line and bone in eachother’s body, the trees shifted uncomfortably when Mathias’ lips began to make tracks up the smaller male’s arms, and the wind picked up just as Lukas coaxed him to look at him with a gentle tug on his hair. The Dane lifted his head, his lips slightly parted as he stared up at the other and awaited an answer to the unvocalised request. Lukas leant in, kissed the corners of his mouth and used the hold he had on him, to turn Mathias’ head a little to the left as to slot their mouths together more comfortably. They did not move, they did nothing more than keep their lips pressed together and for a while Mathias could pretend they were alright and nothing had change between them. For a while he could pretend their unlabelled relationship was not held together with dollar store glue, maybe he could even pretend if he tried hard enough, that it wasn’t wearing away faster than either of them expected.

“Do you still love me Mathias?” Lukas had said, his lips moving against Mathias’ as he spoke. The Dane opened his eyes to look back up at the Norwegian who had his eyes closed, as if he feared the answer. The question was asked without fear, but the expression he was witnessing and the way Lukas was chewing at the inside of his cheek, said otherwise. Lukas was not an emotional person, he did not express much of anything but the Dane knew he sure as hell felt a lot of it. That’s where they were opposites. Mathias never had an idea what of what or if he felt. But where they were similar, was when they did express genuine emotion, it was destructive, it vibrated under their skin and cracked with the force of fireworks when it broke through. They were combustible, catastrophic, but never did Mathias lay a finger on the smaller male. No matter how bad it got he would not hurt Lukas. 

The Norwegian’s fingers continued to play with strands of his hair, almost absentmindedly and for a few blissful moments, maybe he would be able to believe things were okay. Maybe he would be able to pretend, that he was still hopelessly in love with the man on his lap.

So he did.

“Of course I do Nor, and you always say, that I’m the one who asks stupid questions.” He drew intricate swirls into the Norwegian’s thighs as he waited to see what reaction he was to receive. But Lukas’ face fell ever so slightly, and that was enough for Mathias to know his minute hesitation was detected. He breathed shallowly as another minute passed, Lukas’ arms tightened around his neck and his hands tightened in the Dane’s hair as he pulled him back in.

Things had been okay once, things really had been okay once.  
But Lukas knew he had fucked up with pushing Mathias away as much as he had, and despite what they had both once thought…

“Yeah we’re all good.” Mathias mumbled numbly as the other man sucked at his bottom lip tenderly. “We’re always gonna be good.”

“Promise?” Lukas muttered in response as he let go of the Dane’s lip.

“Promise.” The Norwegian nodded and cradled the sides of Mathias’ face with both hands as he kissed him deeper.

…one day the Dane just gave up and stopped loving him.  
They both knew their 'best by' date was fast approaching.

 

— 

 

They spent a few days in Copenhagen at one point, Mathias was missing his home and he needed to pick up a few piles of paperwork to continue working on before he decided to go back to Oslo with Lukas. For the most part he spent time sitting on his bed with the ashtray on his chest and some ridiculously strong cigarettes he’d picked up off of Russia, keeping his hands company as the Norwegian did his own thing. He’d long since given up on telling Mathias he smoked way too much. But sometimes he would sit on the bed with Mathias, he’d rest his head on his stomach and claim that it was comfier than the pillows. The Dane would do nothing more than chuckle and begin braiding the man’s hair into small plaits, only for them to fall free again.

“What do you want to do today darling?” He barked out laughter when Lukas turned to him with a glower, only to further reach up and lightly tap Mathias on the cheek in a mock imitation of a slap. Mathias caught his hand and laced their fingers together, it was pleasantly surprising when the other man didn’t pull his hand away. The wrinkles of their palms kissed as Mathias pressed their fingertips together and he attempted to line their hands up perfectly. His palms hung down a considerable amount and his fingers were still much longer than the other’s, but if he curled his hand back a little he could make it work. He knew Lukas was watching him the entire time, from his peripheral he could see the small smile of endearment unfurling on the other’s features.

“…I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“Aw, you’re no fun.”

“I thought we had already established that.”

“Aaaanyway, so what is it you’d like to do? Wanna get some coffee, go for a walk? Have a wank?”

Lukas pointedly ignored the last part of his sentence. “You make good enough coffee.”

“Is that a compliment I hear? I have to mark this down in my calendar, this is making history.”

“Don’t be an idiot, you heard nothing.”

Mathias ruffled the other’s hair lightly, with a short continuation of his laughter and managed to earn an elbow to the stomach. “So you just want to stay in? We could watch some movies, I’ll make you some of my ‘good enough’ coffee, maybe I can give you a shoulder rub…”

“That shoulder rub sounds nice.” 

The Dane smiled warmly and slid down the mattress until he was nose to nose with the other blonde and their bodies were almost aligned. But just like with the comparison between their hands, his feet dangled over the edge of the bed and his arms stopped well past Lukas’. But he curled his body into the smaller male, his arms wrapped around his waist and his lips peppered affection over his cheeks and down his neck. He was surprised when he wasn’t slapped away and when no verbal protests filled the air. So he laughed lightly and playfully nibbled on the Norwegian’s ear and, and once again he was doused in astonishment, when Lukas’ limbs began to wrap around what ever part of the Dane they found first. Mathias’ laughter died down and was easily replaced with a comfortable silence. The warmth of his amused chuckles still remained suspended in the atmosphere, as they lay there holding each other; with nothing but the muffled harmony of the city attempting to force it’s way through reenforced windows and brick.

Mathias arched his head back as Lukas nestled into the curve between his neck and collarbone. His brows pulled together in confusion at the sudden clinginess, but he quickly accepted the fact that the Norwegian had his moments, however it was usually after a few drinks or if he was in an extremely good mood, which usually correlated to the former point. Still, he appreciated the sudden contact and smiled into his hair as he held him just that bit closer. Things were okay, of course they were okay. Things were going to be okay. Lukas’ hands began to untuck the Dane’s shirt from his trousers so he could gain full access to his bare back, with his palms flat against the flesh he found, he felt his way up as high as he could go; the fabric of Mathias’ shirt bunching at his wrists in the process. Mathias, in turn, closed his eyes to focus entirely on the form accepting his embrace. He immersed his nose into the scent of cocoa butter shampoo and faint trace of cinnamon incense, his fingertips slotted into the spaces between ribs, his legs tangled further with the all too familiar pair and for a while he felt alright. Things were definitely alright, they were okay.  He paid attention to every point where their bodies met, to the flutter of the other’s heart behind his ribcage and to the gentle fluctuation of his breathing. Under the fabric of his shirt, Lukas’ hands slid forward to rest over Copenhagen, his fingers drumming in synchrony with the pulsating organ. 

“I hope I’m not too late.” Lukas murmured against the elder blonde’s jugular. His words crackled and popped with the natural, wet noises of tongue against teeth.

“What are you talking about Nor?” They both knew he knew the answer, they both knew he was just playing dumb to keep up their roles. Without missing a beat, Lukas leant back and cupped his hand to the Dane’s cheek and he shook his head slowly. Something at the back of Mathias’ head muttered, that the sudden abundance of contact was some kind last ditch effort to make up for centuries of rejection or apparent disinterest on the Norwegian’s behalf. However that same voice could not explain the dumbfounding attachment Lukas was displaying more and more as the days passed. 

“Don’t be stupid.” As expected, Mathias’ query received no actual reply. But he still accepted it and grinned, just as he always did. 

Lukas did indeed end up getting the massage Mathias had promised, and they had half heartedly attempted to watch a movie with flavoured coffee coming in a steady stream, thanks to the Dane’s coffee machine. The electric fire crackled away behind it’s screen and the tv was turned down loud enough to hear but too low to hear if they were even whispering. They didn’t touch once they were on the couch, the both of them having claimed opposite ends despite the elder’s attempts to hold Lukas’ hand in the beginning. Mathias got the message soon enough and moved away without protest. The Norwegian’s mouth had twisted into a frown however, as Mathias emptied a flask of liquor into his cup and lit another one of those cigarettes. It deepened further as the Dane began to pay more attention to his smartphone than to Lukas. 

“Who are you texting?” Lukas’ voice momentarily pulled the Dane’s attention from his screen and he looked over at the smaller male and shrugged.

“Lars, ah sorry, Netherlands.” Mathias’ eyebrows rose as the Norwegian’s expression darkened just that much further. “…Is that a problem or something?” 

“I don’t like him.”

“What’s he ever done to you?” Mathias muttered back, somewhat irritated with the irrational behaviour and he wasn’t entirely in the mood to comfort the Norwegian. They weren’t dating, fuck he didn’t even know where they sat. Lukas didn’t entirely have the right to be jealous over anything when he had made it damn clear he didn’t want anything official between himself and the Dane, and that stance had never changed. 

After a good few minutes, Lukas looked away from Mathias’ unwavering and expectant gaze. His answer came from under his breath. “You don’t see the way he looks at you.”

“Holy sh….We’re just friends Nor.”

“Oh. _I’m sure_. Everybody knows about your fucking reputation Dan.”

Mathias sighed and rolled his eyes, before resuming the activity of talking absolute shit with the Netherlander. Hours passed and the tension was still hanging between them, once upon a time it would have left within mere minutes, once upon a time they would have gone back to playful teasing and potential walks on the waterfront. But god, the magic was fading and it was fading as the minutes passed. Their efforts were growing more and more halfhearted until it only lasted for a good few minutes, before turning to complete and utter shit again. But that night Lukas was back curling against Mathias and asking him the same question he had been for weeks. “Do you still love me?”

“Of course.” Mathias said with his back still to the smaller male. That night he didn’t sleep.

He didn’t do much of that anymore anyway.

 

— 

 

Sex with one another had the capability to be an act that was both loving and brutal. As time wore on, the latter was far more common. 

Mathias only had so many ways he could express his frustration, he wasn’t a deeply emotional man to begin with and when he was it was explosive. A pent up atomic bomb of genuine emotion and it was chaotic every single time. So he drank, and he drank heavily to repress that potentiality. Soon beer was replaced by hard liquor and various mixers, and even that was further replaced by straight shots. Substance abuse followed on it’s heels, and the smoking started long before beer became useless. But sex, sex could cure that. Sex meant it didn’t matter if his teeth ripped into a shoulder a little too deep or if his hands left bruises that were a bit too dark, and Lukas fucking loved it. 

And once all of the love was gone from Mathias’ side of whatever the hell their relationship was; all that remained was the need to show what little he could on the Norwegian’s flesh. Small ‘fuck yous’ for every time he was treated like shit for having the confidence to show the slightest amount of affection, just to have himself beaten back down for it. And those fuck yous became more and more common as the years ticked on by, and Lukas would retaliate with vigour until it was a game to see who could screw the other one up more on the battleground of a mattress. Testosterone would saturate the four walls of whoever’s bedroom they were in, whatever stupidly expensive hotel room had been booked for a conference, whatever car they decided to stain the backseats with their cum in. Underneath it all a specific head that would rise, one that wasn’t the end of their cocks, and that head was an instinct. A lust for hostility and discord their species did their damn hardest to subdue.

And that would be what pushed Mathias further with his actions, once upon his time he only ever would have shown love.  
Somewhere along the way, it all turned into nails and teeth breaking skin and a sharp tongue that bore no resemblance to the voice that daylight witnessed.   
And whatever the fuck they had now, no matter how hard they tried to sugarcoat it, was no longer love.

“You can’t fucking leave me Danmark. I need you and you need me just as much. You. Will. Not. leave. Me.” Lukas punctuated every word with the frantic rise and fall of his hips, their skin erupted with urtication where they met. The room smelt of sweat, cum and the faint metallic tang of blood and their mouths tasted not much better. Somewhere on the floor one could find the bottle of Jack Daniels they’d been sharing with an ashtray between them, somewhere on the floor and hours earlier is where one could find the exact moment where their bodies pushed together and they’d been drenched in desperation as their groins rutted together for friction. “Promise me you won’t fucking….”

Mathias knotted his hands in the bed of platinum above him and pulled the smaller form down, teeth and tongue stimulated blood amongst their saliva as lips gave way under the brunt of the applied pressure. These days they only ever kissed each other on the teeth. Nails clawed down the elder blonde’s chest and fire followed in their wake, he groaned low in his throat as Lukas attempted to basically lacerate his torso and expose his ribs. 

The Dane wouldn’t have giving a single shit at that moment if the Norwegian had succeeded in doing so either.  
The Norwegian was intoxicating and a welcome form of fixation, his name, his voice, his body and his breath were haunting and Mathias wanted more, he always wanted more.   
These were some of the things they kept hidden behind closed doors.

A particularly hard bite to his bottom lip was enough to coax Mathias into twisted his hands tighter in the other’s hair to gain leverage on the Norwegian. He buried himself in just that much deeper to maintain his position, as he adjusted their arrangement as fluidly as he could manage. Within seconds he had Lukas on his back and slender yet strong legs wrapped around his neck, Mathias continued fucking into him as if nothing had changed. In return, the Norwegian remained insistent on ripping open the Dane’s mouth.

“Tell me you still love me.” Lukas spat against his teeth. There was an obvious lack of air in his lungs from the sudden change in position.

Mathias had no chance to even consider responding as a hand clamped around his throat to strangle the volume from his moan as he pumped into the Norwegian at an unforgiving pace. He kept his eyes on Lukas, on the globules of sweat sliding down his forehead, on the hair clip that was sliding from it’s place, on the dark irises that burned back at him in the dying light. The Dane tried to swallow past the pressure as he angled his hips just so, to shut the smaller male up and make him climax so he could finish up and go.

Lukas basically screamed the Dane’s name through the cracks of his teeth as he pushed past the hot ring of muscles at an increasing pace and with escalating force.   
Mathias did him the favour of wrapping his fingers around the mans cock until he relaxed, thankfully his own climax followed not to long after.  
Even after he left the Norwegian’s home, his shirt still smelt like vanilla and burning firewood and the mornings following his abrupt departure, felt empty without a fist down his throat.

 

— 

 

Mathias lay across the concrete barrier of the roof, one leg dangling towards the streets of Berlin and her citizens. Gilbert sat across from him, knees against his chest and a cigarette haphazardly dangling on the edge of his lips as he tapped at his phone. The Dane held his hands above his head, inspecting the collection of plasters wrapped around his fingers and the hideously pigmented, hot pink rubber band on his wrist in the weak light of an early winter dusk. The reflection of the sun’s rays from the atmosphere reflected in soft yellows on the windows of building’s rising to stand alongside the pair of nations, and the smell of cooling concrete was able to be detected under the heavy perfume of petroleum and Turkish takeaways, as a gentle breeze rolled through the city.

The family that ran the Döner kebab store downstairs were absolutely lovely and the food was beyond great from what Mathias had experienced. Gilbert had finally found the energy to move out of Ludwig’s house, took him a few years but the apartment was nice despite the constant reek of stale cigarette smoke and liquor. Could be worse. Despite what people would have thought, him and Gilbert weren’t all that close. Mathias was definitely more comfortable with people who were more reserved and had a more subtle set of characteristics to the albino, although he had, thankfully, mellowed out over the years as his unfortunate predicament sunk in properly. However, they provided each other with somebody to drink with, as well as somebody to shit talk about life, humanity and America, and at the end of the day that was all that mattered. Mathias had a nice car, Gilbert knew how to make a well and truly crap night entertaining and they both had a palette for anything that got them fucked enough to forget about their circumstances.

Plus he gave amazing head.

Earlier in the day, they had picked up some cheap vodka and something to mix it with from the discount supermarket a few blocks down, he vaguely remembered they had thrown in a couple of bags of paprika crisps while they were at it. Mathias sighed and dropped his hand to a chest with a dull thud before hiding his eyes to the sky.

“You and Norway doing okay?” Gilbert’s sharp voice cut through the comfortable silence between them with a question, that completely shattered whatever tranquil experience Mathias had been enjoying.

Mathias cracked his eyes back open again and he sat up to stare at the Prussian blankly. “Uh…Yeah, sure.”

Gilbert cupped his hands to his mouth and tipped back his head to yell at the intruding night. “BUUUULLSHIIIIT.” The Dane pulled his leg back and slammed it into the cackling, piece of stale white dog shit’s shin as hard as he could from the angle at which he lay. Gilbert rolled away towards the roof and fell off the edge with his laughter. “Nah but seriously, what’s up you look like fucking death, alter.”

“Shit happens, I guess.”

Gilbert pursed his lips and nodded in agreement as he tapped out ash towards the pedestrians below them. “I can confirm that as fact from personal experience, please tell me something new and give me an answer while you’re at it. I do not like to be kept waiting, Køhler.” 

“I have been gritting my teeth and endearing the same crap for centuries, and I’m exhausted by it.” Mathias ran his hand over his face and adjusted to sit with his legs crossed. Gilbert held out his packet of Pall Malls and Mathias accepted one with a tight smile. “Then again, you’re the wrong person to be complaining to.”

“I am all ears Denny boy, lay it on me.” Gilbert leant in, in order to light the end of Mathias’ cigarette with the blazing glow of his own. The Dane nodded his thanks as he sat back again.

“Don’t ever call me that again.”

“Alright Denny boy.”

“Look you Albino fuck, you asked ab-“

“I'm just teasing holy shit, calm that temper down. Are you still taking your meds?”

“Fuck off.” Yes, thank you very much. He added mentally with a touch too much bitterness. “Anyway. I’m sure you already have a vague idea of how Norge is. It’s not really desirable when you put it into the equation of the rest of the bullshit I already have to deal with.”

“I’ve been telling you that for years and years alter, you deserve better than Mr I-Have-A-Stick-Forever-Lodged-Up-My-Ass and you just don’t listen.”

“Yeah, Ned has too.”

“You’re almost always around that guy, what’s up with that?”

“He’s my best friend? Ever heard of one of those or are you still kissing feathery ass.”

“I will forgive you for that comment because I know you truly love me Den. Anywhore, I say you get on that Dutch dong and show him why you’re the king of the North.”

“Been there done that, Gil. Get with the times, sheesh. Anyway, I really don’t want to take advice from an abolished country.” Mathias halfheartedly tried to mask his words with a cough, the glare he got was entirely worth it.

“Fuck you.”

“Gilbert, you’re not really the best person to be giving life advice to anybody.”

“Doch.”

“Well it’s not a lie now is it?”

“….Touché, still. Fuck you.” Gilbert took a moment to drag at the end of the cancer stick, his eyes wandering off to the city as he huffed out a stream of smoke from the corner of his mouth. 

The backtrack of city life claimed the space that their bickering no longer did with ease, and Mathias enjoyed it while it was there with his back pressed against the pillar behind him and the wraith of his cigarette’s ashen corpse pendent over his head until the breeze snatched the ghostly appendages away. Their contemporaries remained rather torpid despite the chill, the lazy pulls at the ends of their respective cigarettes only proving as a means to pass time. However, it became apparent after some time that Gilbert was well and truly lost in thought.Minutes passed before he finally snickered to himself and started shaking his head at whatever thoughts ran through his head. “Did you know I start speaking Russian when I’m emotional?”

Mathias blinked, a little surprised at that actually being what the albino was thinking about, before he responded with nonchalance. “I had no clue. I only ever see you drunk.”

“Ah, good point, but yeah Lud told me before I moved out. Would you fancy that? I think it’s fucking hilarious.” He inclined towards Mathias again and raised an eyebrow. “You’re the faggy writer type, so tell me, got any wild ideas as to why that is?”

“Easy. Königsberg was your original heart, with Berlin now belonging to somebody else entirely, that’s reverted back to being your ‘capital’ despite the fact your obsolete ass doesn’t need one.” The Dane stared at the burning incandesce just below his nose as he tried to collect his thoughts further. “Unfortunately Königsberg, that thing that is your heart, now belongs to Russia and is called Kaliningrad. Surprise fucker, you still belong to the only person who’s on the same level as me in hourly alcohol consumption.”

Instead of receiving some kind of retaliation, he was left with the impression Gilbert wasn’t all that there. The overwhelmingly intensity that was usually housed within the pair of rubies, was replaced with an eerie kind of absence, it was as if in that short time, the albino had momentarily disengaged from reality. It wasn’t the kind of detachment that existed as a preliminary for something dangerous, for an outburst of frustration and bitterness towards the world, no it was a strange kind of longing and acceptance that the Dane didn’t entirely understand. Gilbert’s lips flattened and he looked up at Mathias with a sudden reassertion of presence. 

“Sounds reasonable enough.”

“…..Uh….What the fuck just happened.”

“I think I just had an epiphany and it was, naturally, fantastic. Just like everything else about me. Anyway, lets get on that vodka I’m thirsty.” Gilbert stood up and flashed him his signature, wolfish grin as he looked back at him. He cleared his throat and held his arms behind his back as if he were giving a speech as he rocked back and fourth on his heels. “Shit happens, indeed. But to make shit happen for the best, you need to grow some major balls and come to terms with things. I believe we both have some of that to do Herr Køhler.” He bowed and held up his hands as if he were gaining praise from a crowd before turning his attention back to the Dane. Jesus fuck he was weird. “And you my darling Denny boy still have not given me a full answer, I expect one from you by the third bottle.”

Mathias flashed his middle finger in the other’s direction before following after him.   
It took him three days and 9 bottles to give the other male an answer that was deemed acceptable.  
It took him another 2 days to gain the energy to drive back to Oslo.

— 

 

Mathias found it funny how people always went on about wanting be loved by writers, because people fell in love with him and not the other way around. The first and only person he’d ever loved as far as he was concerned, didn’t seem to want it unless it suited the situation. He had Lukas stitched into his skin and there was blood still under his nails from the last time they fucked and he refused to gnaw them or else he would end up with the taste of him in his mouth again. If he tasted him he’d try to convince himself he wasn’t obsessed with Lukas and that it was actually love, because he had indentations of Lukas on his bones and tainting his marrow. He fucking loved him. Of course. So with the cleansing routine of fire and fractured glass he came to the realisation that maybe things were coming to a point. The drive back to Norway with wind rushing through the open windows and nothing but silence accompanying it, he could do nothing more than think about his options and accept the fact.

Maybe it was over.  
Maybe they had been playing this game just a little too long.  
Maybe that metallic taste at the back of his throat wasn’t supposed to be there.  
Maybe those flowers he bought at a pit stop weren’t really required, since when did he ever buy Lukas flowers?  
He almost told the human in the elevator, a complete stranger, everything. He refrained from doing so, just nodded and murmured a hello.

“Where have you been?” Was the first thing he heard as he opened the door, in the middle of the hallway and wearing only a shirt that belonged to the Dane, was Lukas with his hair a mess and his feet were bare.

“These are for you.” Mathias handed over the bouquet of Bluebells and tried not to think about the irony of it all. Once they had been taken from his hands, the Dane continued shrugging off his coat while he spoke, his tone somewhat drawled and beyond exhausted. “Germany. I was spending time with Gilbert, what’s it to you?”

“You’ve been gone for fucking days Danmark. You could have said something.”

“Huh, I guess I have.” Mathias raised his eyebrows at the sudden, open expression of emotion from the generally stoic male and kicked off his shoes. He attempted to push past the smaller male to no avail and stared down at him before rolling the sky back into his skull with an irritated sigh. “I’m real sorry Nor, I’ll say something next time. Pinky swear and all that.”

“…You always say that.”

The elder male ran a hand through his hair with exasperation. “Nor… please, I want to relax, I’ve been driving for well over 12 hours. Can you move out of the way?” The Norwegian didn’t move, nor did he speak for a good couple of minutes and within that time Mathias could feel his patience rapidly wearing thin. “Now is not the time Norge.”

“You aren’t here for more than a couple of days and then you piss off to Gilbert or that Dutch fuck like it’s no problem. Now is the time.” 

“Why does that even matter when we’re not tog-“

“Because we’re always together Danmark, everybody knows it’s you and me. It’s always been you and me. Not you and whoever fucks you better.” Lukas cut him off with the slightest trace of desperation and panic in the beginning of his sentence as if to stop Mathias from saying something he didn’t want to hear.

“It’s not like that. Am I not allowed to having frie-“

“But they’re not me.” The smaller male stepped into Mathias’ personal space as words spilled from his mouth at an almost hysterical pace. “You need me… you fucking need me and you know that you do.”

“I don’t need shit from you Norge. I never fucking did.”

“Then why are y-“

That perfectly maintained restraint, abandoned Mathias and the binds on his temper turned to shards of glass. For the first time in his life he lay a hand on the Norwegian, but it was not to harm him, rather to move him out of the way and pin him against the closest wall. For the first time in his life, Mathias used his height and strength against Lukas to get him where he wanted. Lukas had practically snarled in response, his glare violent yet he did not physical protest, despite the fact they were both aware of the fact he was well and truly capable of trying. He stared back at the seething Dane, Mathias was cracked open and seeping onto the floorboards at an ever increasing tempo and his words were growing harder to control. “Because I actually used to fucking adore you Norge.” There was an example of Fluoroantimonic acid between every articulated syllable, and Lukas still did not flinch back into passiveness. Good. He never wanted to see that from Lukas, ever. “Because I used to worship the ground you walk on. Because I gave you EVERYTHING and you kept walking all over me. Everybody said something about it. Fucking. Everybody. Now look at you. You’re begging me to stay, how fucking ironic is that?” 

“Because you promised to stay.”

“Fuck you and fuck my promises, I’m tired.”

“Of what.”

“Of loving somebody who doesn’t give a shit about me until I consider leaving.”

That shut the smaller blonde up, his eyes grew wide but the anger was still there, the ferocity that made him so unbelievably mesmerising was still there. Fuck was it tempting, he wanted to sink his teeth into it and just taste it again, taste what that man was and remember why he hadn’t been able to leave for so long. They stared each other down for some time, the rest of whatever they wanted to say but did not know how, was translated through visuals instead and slowly their expressions returned to normal as the electricity in the air ran out of the ajar windows. But he let Lukas go and the smaller male’s knees gave way as soon as his feet touched the ground, without warning. His hands had clutched into the fabric of Mathias’ shirt for some sort of stability before he completely collapsed and the instantaneous reaction to attempt to keep Lukas upright was unavoidable. 

Mathias slowly sunk to his knees, bringing the weak kneed Norwegian with him as he did so. He was embraced by the smell of vanilla and burning wood once again, and there was a familiar weight completely relying on him for support. 

“Don’t go, don’t do it Danmark.” The Norwegian rested his head against Mathias’ shoulder his voice worn down with resignation and out of habit, the taller male wrapped an arm around his shoulders to comfort him. “We can… start again or something… God, I’m starting to sound like you.

“Yeah I know Nor, I know.” He pressed his lips to the crown Lukas’ head, his eyes glued to a dark stain on the wall. “I’m sorry for everything, we’ll be okay.” Again and again he kissed the man’s head in attempt to further reassure him. “We’re okay, I’m sorry.”

Lukas nodded, despite everything Mathias was amazed he did not cry at all. He was still keeping together what he could and that was admirable to say the least. The pad of Mathias’ thumb rubbed between the other’s shoulder blades absently, almost inattentively. He wrote words into the gaps of the protruding bones that he would not be able to say and he was satisfied with what he could do for now. The Norwegian’s breathing eventually began to even itself out and he gradually started to feel heavier against Mathias’ shoulder. He could hear wind pushing through the windows and the slight shudder in Lukas’ breath as things became to come to a point. For old times sake he held him close, he held him close and pretended things were still okay. Just like always. He smiled. And endeared. After giving his phone a quick look for the time and giving his messages a brief look, he gently nudged the smaller male until he was slightly more conscious and offered him the suggestion bed, to which the other nodded in agreement.

“Will you stay, Dan?” Came the muffled whisper, Lukas’ hands were twisted in the collar of Mathias’ shirt as if it were the only anchor he had at that moment.

Things were falling apart, things were falling apart and neither of them could stop it.  
That was it.

“Yeah, yeah I will. Do you want me to carry you?” He murmured, despite the other’s flat expression he still received a shrug in response and for the last time he thought it would do no harm. He scooped the blonde up bridal style and a tired grin cracking across his own face, he was trying to act normal but he knew, christ he knew it was falling flat. Lukas didn’t seem to care, he just balled his hands into Mathias’ shirt and rest his head against his shoulder the entire trip from the hallway to the other end of the house where the Dane lay down the armful of Norwegian under the covers of his bed. 

He joined the other male under the blankets despite the fact he was fully clothed, and it was an action completed purely out of habit. He pulled the Norwegian close to him just as he had in Copenhagen not too long ago. Mathias held Lukas just as close as he had, but his eyes remained on opposing wall and he continued to mumbled robotically that things were okay, that he would be there in the morning, that they were going to be wonderful and that he was sorry for saying anything, that he won’t stay away for long again. All empty promises on a dead tongue and they could both hear the lack of Mathais in his sentences. He ran his fingers through the other’s hair just the way Lukas liked it, and thumbed the clip from Lukas’ strands to free his fringe from it’s meticulous styling and he rested it on the bedside table. He received a grateful smile and the Norwegian nestled just that bit closer as Mathias kissed his forehead and resumed his earlier, mindless ministrations. 

But when dawn came, his place in the house had been replaced by Iceland lying across the couch, who of which Mathias had messaged hours earlier to get on the first plane.  
When dawn came Mathias had left with all of his things in the back of his car and a note left on the kitchen counter.  
When dawn came Mathias drove home and broke all of the half hearted promises he’d made earlier.

“Do you still love me?” was the last thing that Lukas had drowsily asked him.  
And just like always, he had responded with.  
"Of course.”  
And a kiss on the head.

 

 

 


End file.
